This is it-for Me

Michael Jackson is gone. Forever.

Just typing those words just stings really bad. Michael is gone from drugs. That is the unbearable truth. Like all of the greats that we have lost, we lost one of the brightest angels from drug use-the unnecessary and most preventable death. Whether it had been June 25th or December 1st, that dance would have taken him away eventually.

It is hard to explain as a 41 year old woman how someone you have never known but have grown up with death could affect you in one of the most personal ways. I can honestly remember saying everytime I hear Neyo sing-Gosh, I wish Mike would get himself together and shut these fools down and take his act back. lol

Michael Jackson borrowed from a lot of artist in his lifetime as well. Music, dance moves, verses-but he made them his own. He also worked hard on his craft to be the best that he could be.

I remember seeing Michael's press conference for the This Is It Tour. My first reaction was DAMN! I couldn't bear to see the once again drastic change in Michael. I asked to no one in my home-WHEN IS HE GOING TO STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS? Yet, when after the press conference the commentators began ridiculing Michael and dismissing him as if he were a nobody-I got angry at them.

That has been our dance in the black community with Michael Jackson for years. Worrying about his appearance but loving him unconditionally anyway and defending him to the tee if someone said anything about him.

We are a loving people who love to the point of enabling bad behaviors. We say, "Oh that's just so and so. He/She is just a little special, they'll get it right sooner or later. Just pray for em."

I am guilty of it and so many of us are guilty of it as well.

Even though Marlon was my favorite Jackson (and future husband cuz I said so) the love I had for Michael is legendary in my family. I have literally gotten my pimp slap hand perfected from fighting cousins, strengthened my vocal cords from arguing and protecting my Mike (and any other Jackson). The first time I papered my entire bedroom with posters-was with The Jackson 5/The Jacksons.

A Jackson album or 45 (old heads know what that is) didn't come out without my father bringing in the brown paper bag with it in it.

There hasn't been ONE party in my entire life that I have attended that several Jackson songs hasn't been played.

Back in the day they used put the single dance records on 12" extended mixes. Brown Juice would flow alongside the tata salad and chicken and folks would try to dance til the record was over! lol Of course us "young folk" would last, but you could bet my daddy and few others would hang in there right along with us. lol I can remember one party distinctly where I should my poor lil body "down to the ground" along to Shake your body down to the grounduntil I caught a sho nuff stitch in my side. lol I had to learn not to shake so hard.

Cynthia Horner kept me informed of all Jackson activities through Right On! magazine. I would proudly take my allowance money and buy my magazines and read them fifty eleven times until the next issue came out.

Sure, I wasn't dedicated to just Michael. Hell, Prince and his nassy self was out dancing in his panties while playing wicked guitar. Rick James old self flounced on stage with reefer in his lips tossing his braids. My other boyfriend Ronnie DeVoe and New Edition were doing the Jackson act-I was in lub. Foster Silvers left so he had to be replaced with a young boy with a grown mans voice-Johnny Gill.

But Michael was THE MAN. I saw his transitions. His cutest sexiest period for me is the Off the Wall years and in the Beat It video. Michael like so many brothas kept his curl way too long.

His skin lightened and I ignored it until the Bad album. But the music was banging and I shut my eyes to what I was seeing.

I didn't then and I still don't believe the child molestation charges. I have argued with many people in real life and on messageboards why I didn't believe them. It had nothing to do with being a "fan", it was all about the facts. I will say the second charges made me angry with Michael for not protecting himself BETTER from evil money hungry folks. So many needy children lost the opportunity to have met this man and had just a little happiness before their illnesses took them from this plane. All because a few folks tried to bring this man down.

Though I no longer want to spit in Martin Bashir's face-I would still love to have a talk with him. To ask some very pertinent questions about his motives then and his recantation after Michael died. The words he could have said back then that mean nothing now.

The Michael situation is why I wouldn't babysit or allow my godchildren to sleep over until they could bathe themselves. Just the accusation of improper behavior can ruin you for life. It doesn't matter if you are innocent-once accused-you wear that stripe for a lifetime.

Then Michael left us. He put out two more albums and I rocked with them. Then the new music stopped coming.

Folks were still writing garbage about Michael.
I then hadn't seen Michael until the press conference this year. My tears fell. This wasn't just a whiter version of Michael. He looked HORRIBLE. I will type these words again-Michael was HIGH. I know High when I see it. I have seen it all around me all of my life. All I could say is, " Michael Why?"

I was sad to learn that he wasn't going to tour here in the States. I was jealous but understood how the Europeans openly show him love and supported him. It made sense, but I was sad. In my mind I thought he would change his mind and come here. At LEAST to New York where we here in the Tri-State area have always shown him open love.

I can remember June 25th very well. Whoopi announced that Farrah Fawcett died on The View. I was saddened because I liked Farrah. We had lost David Carradine and Ed McMahon that week as well. My childhood favorites. NOTHING had prepared me for the breaking news on Twitter of all places that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital in full cardiac arrest. I saw in some places that he had passed. He was going to remain alive in my mind until CNN announced it. Then Wolf Blitzer announced it.

I went numb. Then that photo from Entertainment Tonight came out with Michael in the ambulance. I have since boycotted ET. I will do like I did with the NY Post when they showed Eric Claptons sons deady body uncovered from his fall from the window. Have purchased or read a Post SINCE.

They invaded this mans life and he couldn't even have privacy in his illness or death.

I cried at the memorial long hard tears. Real tears that contained pain. Unbelief. I cried for his children, his family. He was someones father, someones son and someones brother and uncle. He was human. He was the human that a vast majority of us never really saw.

I am thankful that the Jackson Family kept it as private as they could. Many people are upset about it-but it is THEIR RIGHT to see how THEIR family member is laid to rest.

Now the movie This Is It is out. I was going to go see it then I made up in my mind that I don't want to see it after the clips I saw online. I know Michael would have brought it like his has done so many times. I know that it is beautiful and moving. I know all of this and I haven't seen it.

I don't want to see it.

I choose to remember Michael the way I want to. The healthier looking Michael. That beautiful smile. Those soulful eyes.

My parties will be full of Jackson songs and I will still shake my body to the ground.

Thank You

I celebrated my year on the air like I celebrate many things in my life-quietly. This Sunday I casually mentioned that my show has been on the air a year and that it has been a labor of love and frustration. Ha!

Well, since Sundays show with the legendary Melba Moore-I have been bombarded by friends and my sister about how I don't really promote the show. How I allowed an entire to come and not say anything nor do any type of hoopla thing for it.

I am just not one to toot my horn. I can sing my butt off-yet I have no desire to sing professionally. I clown around so much that folk THINK I can't sing, but I attended P.A. schools my entire life.

I assistant has been trying to get me to write my bio and those who know me want me to write a book. The bio I will eventually finish-but the book-mehhhh. lol

You see, I am the type of person when I see something that needs to be done, or done the right way-I just jump in.

My former co-host and I had LEGENDARY fights about me promoting and advertising folks on my site for FREE.

As economically challenged as I am-I still won't charge. Because I feel it is my place to help not just benefit monetarily. I feel the money will come eventually.

Don't get me WRONG nor TWISTED, I am not naive nor stupid. I am a woman with a vision and I am walking this journey by good judgment and faith.

No one will ever take advantage of me. As easy as one goes up-the delete button is a beautiful thing! lol

I am just crazy to follow the vision that had been given to me. In my journey, I have been asked to compromise my standards and my position and I have found the strength to refuse.

In my journey I have had what I love to refer to as REHEARSALS. The trial and error parts of life. The disappointments and the sheer glee when things have gone right.

One of the things I have learned in particular when working with my fellow black race-I have learned that we are distrustful towards one another. If your last name isn't Shapiro or Horowitz, you can't be legit.

I have had folks raised an approving eye when I say RADIO SHOW, then when is informed that it is on the internet-I have seen the disapproving eye. lol

If I were on FM radio here, I am only aired in the tri-state area. I am reaching FAITHFUL listeners in Germany, the UK, and New Zealand. In other words-THE WORLD.

I don't do gossip but I will blast a fool when the occasion requires me to. I am not beholden to sponsors who tell me what to say or how to do my show.

I want to the type of show that I would want to listen to.

I know and understand the responsibility I have to my listeners. To always be honest and as open as I choose to be.

So, I thank God for my year in radio. I humbly thank my fans and my friends who support me. I thank God for growth and maturity.

I also thank YOU my blog readers.

Computer Love-realistic or set up for Heartbreak

There isn't a day when someone comes up and tells me about this WONDERFUL person they have "met". When the conversation continues, you find out that this wonderful person lives 2500 miles away or is in another country altogether.

Is the internet the NEW Social form of dating? Why is that?

Whenever someone tells me about the wonderful person they have met, I always ask-why go online to meet a fool when your state is full of them? lol

I am paranoid about meeting people offline. It doesn't matter if they are female or male. I am talking about simple friendship. Not even a relationship.

I have been online since the nineties and when I first came online, I noticed there was a different TYPE of person online. They were the same online as they were offline and the net wasn't being used as a dating tool.

Yes, people met and fell in love and married, but that wasn't the focus. It seems that's all people use it for now.

I have YET to see a successful internet founded love. It seems folks have met, "loved" and found out that the wonderful person isn't so "wonderful."

I have a theory about this.

It is easier for folks to pretend to be "wonderful" when the other is so far away. They know (or hope-lol) that you aren't going to just show up to see that mansion is just an apartment or that Mercedes is a Datsun.

When they send pictures, the pictures aren't recent, and the lies just continue and the "wonderful person" is just another liar in that persons life.

Back in the day before unlimited long distance, I actually know of people who had phone bills that were as high as house notes. Just to find love.

Share your internet love stories or what you have learned since you have been online.

This thing called LIFE

With the rash of legends passing recently, I have been a little more reflective lately. It brings my own mortality home to myself. How we spend so much time in this thing we call life-Wasting it.

I have always tried to live my life as Jesus as taught me how to. In love and compassion. It isn't always easy to live in that walk especially when it seems like everyone around you aren't.

I hear and read a lot of folks professing their love for God but in the same breath exhibit behaviors that are very contrary to God's teachings.

I have seen people kill in the name of God, lie in the name of God, lie on God and justify their nonsense in the name of God.

I remember a few years ago, I had this dream. In the dream God was showing how people treat him like HE is the The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, or Santa Claus.

A lie we have been taught from generation to generation.

Then there are those who think God is David Copperfield or David Blaine. One way of His magic wand and our nonsense is waived away.

We want to believe that we can do our mess and blink-whoomp-all gone and no repercussions. We want our spiritual leaders to walk on air and live perfect lives even though inside we know our own imperfections are ever before us.

We put our faith in the fallible. We put expectations on people who like ourselves are imperfect and put them on pedestals that are so high that when they fall-we are sorely disappointed.

Then we blame God. It's HIS fault because He didn't wave His magic wand for us.

We blame God when good people die. We blame God when He didn't "change" a bad person who caused us pain.

We question the validity of God when a child dies or a person is starving or homeless.

What we don't do is take ownership of our OWN actions. How many of you have taken the time to volunteer at a homeless shelter or a youth shelter? How about visiting a hospital and sit with a cancer patient? In secret without the bells and whistles and accolades.

We put so much on God when He gave US the tools to use with one another.

Instead of making the ones we love our "Substitute Gods" we should truly learn to work together through our flaws and above our egos. We should stop coveting things that we can't take with us or how people perceive us.

If you learn to appreciate this thing God gave us called LIFE and realize the gift that it really is-we will enjoy living it more!

Nothing in this world is truly FREE

I hate sounding like a conspirator, but all of these free food give aways from places that normal don't give anything but thicker hips and heartburn troubles my spirit.

I know we are in a recession, but feeding someone for a day isn't cutting it. The idea of these places luring folks in for not so free or fully stocked freebies when they won't even give those folks a JOB is just WRONG.

I have had family work in fast food restaurants and the amount of food they actually THROW AWAY is disgusting. If an employee takes that food they are fired on the spot. It must go into the garbage can.

This is my number one reason why I don't support ANY Krogers. They fired an elderly bag man for eating a doughnut that was on it's way to the garbage. A 39 cent stale doughnut cost him his job.

I would rather see KFC or Popeyes link up with Oprah to have job fairs for the youth, and delivering the surplus unsold food to the homeless or battered womens shelters than coming up with these ill prepared campaign gimmicks.

Dear Mother

I want you to know that I am finally accepting that you and God made a decision to go to Him. The Christian in me knows that He doesn't make mistakes but the human side of me was and just a little bit still mad and selfish that you left me.

I can remember all of my activities and how you would sacrifice so I could play in the school band or hunting a red skirt and white blouse in the dead of winter so I could perform. I didn't know until years later that you used money that you had set aside for yourself to buy clothes just for me and my sister. How I needed to make a chocolate mousse for French class and we got up and made it together. How we went leaf hunting and you ironing the leaves perfectly straight between wax paper. Half of my A's you were responsible and the other half I credit Daddy.

I thank you for allowing my phases: blue hair, black and blonde hair, plastering heavy metal artists all over my wall and forgiving me for trying to get a tattoo in the kitchen.

I miss your wake up calls to make sure I am up to go to work. I miss you calling me all times a night to tell me the order numbers on QVC and Hsn. I miss painting with you. I miss you waking me up before God and nem just to talk and make nana puddin-and you knew how much I DESPISED nana pudding. There I would be stirring that dang custard with sleep in my eyes and you sitting at the kitchen table saying, "Don't forget to stir the custard."

I play monopoly online now. Everytime I see the iron token, I get mad cuz you always beat me with that iron. You were the only one who could beat me in Monopoly, Scrabble and our favorite-YATZEE!

I remember when I had my reconstructive surgery, waking up and choking and you lifted my head. You even made me smile because the first surgery had me one door from pediatrics and because of low beds I was now actually in the pediatric unit. lol I remember before the nurse made you leave, you putting my lil white bear in my arms for me because I couldn't lift my arms. I made the nurses put it back exactly like you had it when they would come in.


We still have the New Years Day videos where you and I would have just a pinch too much champagne and we both would start crying and atoning for the previous years fussing. lol Five minutes later, we would be off to the races with brand new fussing. lol

Welp, another Mother's Day is coming up. It is strange not having a nervous breakdown to find THE PERFECT GIFT for the woman who had EVERYTHING ALREADY. Funny how you would torture me even further by NOT giving Qvc and Hsn item numbers as hints around that time. So I would have pour over the stores sweating and panting and mean mugging folks who dared to touch a Possible gift item I was reaching for.

I don't know why I stressed so much because whether it was a raggedy ashtray I made wif my own wittle hands or some gift I purchased, I always got your glow and love with anything I gave you.

How ironic, that you died on the very holiday you loved soooooooooo much. New Years Day hasn't been the same.

I used to cry bitter tears, but now I just feel a little sad, but the hurt is dulling to a tolerable pain now.

In closing,I thank God for giving me you for a Mom.

Living in Misery/ Negative Soul Suckers

One of my nearest and dearest friends taught me about living in misery. She doesn't WANT nor WILL live in the positive moments of life. I acknowledge that her "issues" are deeper than what my limited mind can deal or handle but I stand by her. Why, I just believe that one day she will snap out of it.

One thing I CAN say about her is that she DOES HAVE GOOD DAYS.

I am on the net and I cannot believe the amount of negativity that flows from folks fingertips on a DAILY BASIS. No matter where I am surfing, I see folks just COMPLAINING and whining about the same ole same ole. Once you get to know their fonts-you begin to see that they are living on pity and misery that they don't want to get out of. Why? Because, then no one will pity them.

Sunrises, and sunsets are WONDERFUL. Just taking a taken for granted breath is a blessing. Yes, life throws darts and some seem very difficult to dart away from. But if you just concentrate on the simple things like; dressing yourself, and going to the bathroom on your own accord, having a job to go to, and a roof over your head-makes life all worth it.

It reminds me of the old saying about the woman who complained because she had no new shoes but then saw a woman who had no feet to use.

Start counting your blessings people!

I have been trying over and over since the November 4. 2008 to really EXPRESS my awe and reverence to how I have been feeling over the past two years. How to put into words that evening and todays swearing in.

I have deleted EVERYTHING I have written because-it just doesn't capture those moments nor my deepest emotions.

As smart as I am, as lucky as folks tell me how I am-nothing seems to be HUMBLE enough.

I can truly see my mother grinning over the IDEA of an Obama. She and I are so much alike. Jessie Jackson, though I appreciate and will NEVER be what Obama has presented himself as: A man of the people WITH accountability and solutions no matter what.