YES, we DID!!!!

There are soooooooo many private trials and tribulations I can write about the last eight years. 9/11, the passing of my beloved mother, the struggles of establishing my business, my weight gain and a HOST of other most private things.

But anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to wallow in self pity or regrets or failure. When all have given up on me or sat on the sidelines waiting for me to kill myself, go completely nutz or just plain ole give in-they forgot-I am a Taurus Woman. Stubborn to the core. Failure is NEVER an option and I am far too young to lay down and die.

What I WILL write about is blind faith. That kind of faith that when even the closest to you want to tell you to just give up and settle you remember whom you really serve! I am far from a religious person. Many folks have been hurt by "religion" but FAITH will carry you when you don't even see how.

From the womb I have had to fight. Fight to live. To be. My mother had really bad toxemia with me and my birth had to be stalled for an extra month. So I am a ten month baby. She used to joke that during her final labor she was like Bob Barker; "Pleaseeeeeee come on down"-yet I would scoot back up inside of her when the doctors touched me. I was breeched and the doctor turned me and yet, I would not make my appearance into this world until I WAS READY.lol

My infant pictures have the the forceps imprints on my face until I was almost six months. and I was always taller than my peers. When I was nine months the doctors said my intestines were twisted and EIGHT doctors told my mother that I would need surgery. It was one nurse from my mothers hometown who told her that God said,"Don't let those doctors cut your baby."

I grew up loving rock and roll and being "different" from what folks believed I should be. I can remember when my childhood friend got into a horrendous car accident that rendered her paralyzed and mentally incapacitated. When they wheeled her to school, I was the only one who ran up to her and cried when she couldn't speak to me. I can still see her dribbling saltine crackers that I fed her because I knew she liked saltines as much as I did. I can remember my grandmother and mother trying to explain to me why my friend was like she was. I also remember the day she passed. I often think about her.

It is that determination and love of people that I have carried within me to this day. I am not the easiest person to get along with because I don't accept "can't". Either you tried and failed or you tried and became victorious with God's help.

It is that determination that led me to Reading, Pa to stump for Barack Obama. Far away from my comfort zone and all reasonable explanation to my friends and family. Just up jumped and boogied to a place I knew NOTHING of. Where I met some incredible people. some I am still in contact with and some I know I will never see or speak to again-but yet bonded at that time and moment.

Barack won. Yay. Yippee. Now the real work has to begin. Within US. ESPECIALLY us black folk. The excuses are OVER. The true legacy of Barack's presidency is how we as a people take up his mantle and run with it.

Demand that respect from others-yes-BUT demand that respect within our own selves FIRST. The time for selfishness has got to be over in our community.

Cleaning the lists in my life

There are days where I can just let things go and then there are days where I stop it right at the quick. It is very hard to try to walk right. It really is when everyone around you is walking wrong.

Then there are the quiet moments when a rank stranger sends you a note and it reminds you that your walk isn't alone and how being just YOU helps inspire others.

In this everyday hustle of life, I try to keep on the straight and narrow. I don't walk on water, so there are mistakes and lifes learning lessons along the way.

One of the biggest lessons that I learned at the Obama campaign is nipping things in the bud immediately. I need to stop internalizing things that reallllllly annoy me and when folks try to take advantage of me or take my kindness for weakness to let them not it isn't happening.

I can fight for my friends and family but have a hard time fighting for myself. I am also a slow learner in life. Studious things I catch on quickly but basic life lessons I am very slow. I don't like confrontations. lol

I was reading Sistar Jackies blog and you know what? My delete button works as well! lol I have been cleaning up all of my lists. Brushing the haters off. With love not animosity.

I will NEVER allow anyone to change me from being me because I love Me. But if you decide you don't -I wish you luck.

Like Sistar Jackie said, "Life is too short to worry about haters! " lol

It's funny. Those who try to backbite never realize how I pray for their sucess and lives. Just because I don't announce it in neon letters or from a megaphone, doesn't mean I don't call out their names in my prayers.

How I worry that they are eating and sleeping right. How whatever private things they are going through that God gives them favor.

I do it because that is who I am. I don't need accolades and rewards and pats on the back. Like everything in life, I do it because it needs to be done. Period.

But I have to take that same tenacity and turn it towards ME. I haven't been treating ME too well. I am looking at that woman in the mirror and I am making (not gonna)that change.

My days of being a doormat is OVER. You all are on notice!

To my 30, 40 and up somethings

Aren't you glad you didn't go through your youth in the cyber age? lol I cannot fathom going through high school, college and my twenties online. lol

The closest thing to today was "hitting someone up on their beeper" lol and even THAT annoyed me! Memba #911? lol

We had video cameras and yeah, some folks were wicked with them-but you didn't have what the young folks have today. Todays sins is Todays Youtube. lol

Just think in your private thoughts, some of the "fun" you had back in the day. Can you imagine that two faced jealous heffa posting it for the world to see? We laugh about sex tapes, but can you imagine folks videoing you without your knowledge and creating a website about you?

One of the things I think about our age group that is blatantly different is the fact that we actually had the human touch. We left our homes and hung out with our friends. We got to know people on a personal not technological level.

Whether it was raising and lowering the shade in your bedroom window to signal that you were ready to hang out, or just knowing that you would be going somewhere on the weekends helped that bond.

Our generation was the last of the human touch generation. Times are a changing and it is not for the better.

The Media and this Election is PISSING ME OFF!!!

I am tired of turning on my television and seeing kindergarten antics being performed by so called journalists and people who are wanting MY VOTE!

It is times like this that I miss my beloved Peter Jennings and Tim Russert. I cannot fathom them entertaining this kind of non-sense. WHEN ARE THE REAL ISSUES going to come into play?

Unemployment is up by 6% and folks are wondering about a pitbull in a skirt? People are becoming HOMELESS and are STARVING right here in the United States and yet I have to listen to three days of lipstick on a pig?

This country is on the verge of a depression and the pundits are waving over everything but what really matters.

Why not discuss why in 2008 folks are willing to die before electing a black man to office?

John McCain is 72 years old. How can he and his camp try to attack Obama for a lipstick on a pig remark when on MY BIRTHDAY MAY 2ND of this year he used the VERY SAME quote in reference to Hillary Clinton!

I need for Obama to stop being MELLOW and really take these next fifty six days and HAMMER THE ISSUES back to the forefront of this election! His people need to be doing research and bringing forth what has been done these past eight years and call folks on the inconsistencies.

Sarah Palin was brought in a plug on a huge gash of a sinking ship. She isn't representing the best of what the United States is. I am tired of the bull-bring it back to where it ACTUALLY COUNTS because after November 4th I would like to open my eyes and knowing that I can actually go to a decent doctor because the quality and funding is there! I want healthcare that I can afford!

Because milk and gas cost the same, I don't want to choose which is more important.

I want both campaigns to bury the word CHANGE and I want to SEE CHANGE!

Rare private thoughts....

All of my life, folks have said to me: You are too real. For a period of time I then became a pathological liar because when I told the truth-no one one believed me. When I joined the church (my ninety ninth time trying to seek Gods people) I got something from God that I never received before: "You don't have to lie or be something you aren't just to please folk. You will NEVER ever please folk. Be it family, friends, or foes."

Now, before folks run to call the men in the white jackets-I swear I heard that voice in my head. I have head from that voice Many times. Sometimes I listen, Sometimes I don't. When I listen, I learn that there is a blessing in a lesson for me. When I don't, I have to go through whatever trial my disobedience has brought to me.

I have also learned that people really aren't interested in TRUTH or Realism. Because lies make them feel so much better. Whether a weave, penile implant or your run of the mill lie-they would rather live in that than truth.

I remember the day I stopped lying. I called my mother and had a rare one on one with her where she actually allow me to speak. I told my mom that I will not lie anymore because God's Word said, "That everything will fail and fall but His Word."

Another person who stopped me and my bad habit was my grrandmother. She used to say a liar is a thief and and thief is a murderer and it was both who put Christ on the cross.

She was concerned if I was drinking that special Kool Aide in my new church, and I assured her that I wasn't. Once we got past that, she listened to me. I know before she left this plane she finally understood why I think and act the way I do.

I can remember attending my very first concert. Kool and the Gang. Teena Marie and Jessie Johnson were also there. I was hanging with my Aunt and Cousin. Don't ask me why, but I went forward and the guards just let me backstage.

I didn't have to do anything trifling to go back there. All I did was WALK. Teena Marie had passed out after her set and I was concerned. I walked backstage and she was sitting on a trunk. I went right up to her and asked her if she was allright. She looked at me and saw my sincerity and we started talking. Next thing I knew various members of Kool and the Gang were coming up to me and inviting me to a party. I told them I had to ask my Aunt if I could go. lol

I went back to my seat and told my Aunt and Cousin that Kool and the Gang wanted to ask them something. lol Hell, I was fifteen. I had no authority. lol

My Aunt told them No, and I had an attitude. I wanted to go to the damned party! Noooooooooo, she told them she had to WORK the next day! lol

That is how my life has been. Trusting and a chance taker. I have been in three videos-not featured gals, but I was there! lol I went to a Motley Crue concert, next thing I knew I was in VIP (true VIP) with Slash and Steven Sweet.

Got an internship just cuz I was taliking to Greg Steele of Faster Pussycat about a Long Island teen serial killer. Greg still owes me ten bucks. lol

But life has been an adventure for me. I have never asked anyone for a handout. Ever.

I know so many folk that it would blow some of you alls mind. My sister can attest to this fact! lol But I have never kissed anyones ass EVER. I don't care who you THINK you are-you will RESPECT ME.

Maybe that's why I am slowly living out my dream of promoting people I believe in.

The lil liar changed her ways and became a Woman.

My sister who is younger than I am but thinks she is older inspiers me everyday. Though, I don't tell her all of the time cuz she's a Scorpio and yall know how they are-j/k. lol

She doesn't like me getting hurt and she has seen me hurt. She says I am too trusting-and I am too trusting.

I guess that is why I am so private in my thoughts and actions. Failing doesn't frighten me. It just makes me try again or learn what to give up on or do differernt.

I don't seek fame or fortune. I honestly don't. They say when a loved one passes that God gives us a lesson. My mother used to always sing this song; "Let the life I lead speak for me." I never truly understood that song until I heard some stranger sing it at her funeral.

It was powerful and painful at the same time. I cried not because I was hurt about losing my mom, of course I was-but it seems when God's spirit touches me-I cry.The folks in my church used to call me "The Weeping Prophetess." I could honestly feel the words in that song.

God allowed me to live past tumors in my breast and a double partial mastectomy at the age of 23 to see 40. I haven't always walked a perfect nor righteous life-but God knows my heart. My sincerity of seeking His Face.

Nothing I have done or have experienced has blessed me as much as sitting and laughing with my lil sis and my father this past weekend. I am rich to have them in my life.

No fame, or amount of paper can beat that in my book.

If God closed my eyes tonight forever, I can truly say to the world-NOTHING and I mean Nothing means more to me than my family, and I hope like my mom or even better than my mom-that the life I lead will speak for Me.

I aint trying to go nowhere no time soon-lol-but I have to let folks know that if God can carry me and reform me, Nothing is impossible for Him to do for YOU.

It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything in acknowledging that there is something higher than Us and why we should be respectful and honest to one another.

Have I arrived? Nope. Still trying to find that bible based Church Home...aint it a blessing that God is so patient with us?

R.I.P. Bernie "Mac Man" Mac

You know, there are some celebrity deaths that you go awwwwww. Then there are the ones who REALLY hit you HARD like a death in the family. The last time I felt this way was when Ray Charles passed.

My pain is NOTHING like the pain that his family is going through right now. I only knew OF Bernie Mac, they loved and lived with him.

I met the Mac Man wayyyyyyyyy back in the early Def Jam days. He was a naturally funny kind person.

In this business of fake folk-it was nice sitting and talking with someone who reminded you of your funny uncle Bug. lol Where you are holding your sides and just gasping for breath because what they are saying is TRUE but the delivery is just too funny. lol

I won't cry, but my heart is a little sad today. I will choose to do what I have been doing all day off an on. Remembering those one liners and laughing at his timeless jokes.

It's is OK to be YOU

I have been online a number of years and I have seen a lot. The one thing that sticks out to me is the sadness I see in womens writings, pictures and posts.

Seems like women are doing and advertising ANYTHING in hopes to gain attention. The funny thing is, that even the men try to tell the women that all of that extra stuff isn't necessary.

I have never seen so many bi-sexual, tri-sexual, super freaks of the weeks and women wonder why they continue to be single and lonely.

False advertising is the number complaint men have about us gals.

I will be discussing that and more and hopefully it will reach at least ONE person and turn her life around.

It is open for full discussion, questions and debates even. As long as it is done in love, everyone will be able to express ones self here.

Learn to love You First
Men don't do you more than what you ALLOW. That is the bald faced truth.

You see the signs, yet you pretend that you don't. Albert Einstein defines insanity as the act of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I agree with Al.

You cannot be afraid to be alone. You really can't. You need to get to know you long before the Cosmo magazine and Vogue fashions of the moment. You need to get to know you before dating.

If you can't stand to be with YOU, how on Earth can you expect someone else to put up with you?

You say how or it's too hard. No it really isn't. Raw truth? If you have never put forth the effort, how do you know if it works or fail?

When is the last time you took yourself to dinner? How about a movie or lunch? By yourself?

Many of you will say never. You have always used a crutch to go out.

What if someone saw you by yourself-gasp! Get over yourself.

You see if you treat yourself, you will never allow anyone to treat you LESS than how you treat yourself.

Learn how to step out and do things for yourself by yourself and you will draw like minded individuals to you. It works, I promise. You can't do it under the guise of I am going out by myself to meet someone while pretending to get to know myself-that is lying to yourself. You have done it long enough without great results so why continue?

There isn't a woman on this planet who doesn't find flaws within herself. Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, nose too wide, nose too thin, etc.

You are whom you are and no amount of plastic surgery is going to change that.

One of the biggest misconception is that women get plastic surgery to attract the opposite sex. That is a lie.

Just like fashion, plastic surgery is to make other women jealous. The extra benefit is drawing men to you-it is really to be competitive with other women. To have another woman look at you like you look at other women in envy.

As with all other shallow things, they are only temporal. It is designed that way.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with make up and fashion. When you feel good about the way you look, you carry yourself differently. But you can't just lean on looks.

This weekend, take some time for yourself with just yourself. Even if you just take two hours just to take in a movie. Make that your quality time.

Fix yourself just as cute and sexy as if you would for a date. Don't be afraid, the only person who will be concerned about you being alone is you.

One of the things I love to do regardless if involved or single-I love cafes. I will take myself to a cafe and order a nice brunch then go to a museum. I take my time and I just ENJOY that moment.

Doing that taught me how to teach my mate how to enjoy that moment with me.

Just pondering

I watched Meet the Browns today. I have to say that I understand what Tyler is TRYING to do-but I just can't get into his movies. I have never seen any of his plays (I tried watching one on Youtube but I skipped through most of the songs) and I am proud of his success.

But a man cannot tell the Black Womans Plight. If you are a black woman dating in todays society-you understand Exactly what I am talking about. I am not bitter, sad, lonely or even angry. I am resolved that I will entire my twilight years alone and I have accepted it in my spirit. I feel if God wants me with that certain Boaz then he is really going to have to show me that HE is THE ONE because I have retired from dating.

My only sort of regret is that because of my staunch stance against being anyones Baby Mama-I probably will never birth a child in this world. But there are tons of kids in this country looking for a wonderful home and I can provide that for them when that time comes.

What frightens me are the women who have settled for fear of being alone. Good sistas with great heads on their shoulders.

Young women throwing themselves hoping that one of these knuckeheads will play the Pick Me Game.

Generational curses being repeated over and over.


So as I watched Meet the Browns, I felt sad for other sisters who are watching this movie who are single moms holding onto hope that one day a Rick Fox type will waltz into their lives and live the happily ever after.

My former dude or whatever still tries his little jedi mind tricks. I now laugh them off. I often ask myself, why couldn't I see that he WASN'T THE ONE when I was enamored with him? lol

I am never rude, but it is clear that I don't want to be bothered.

My take on the BET Awards 2008

Mannnnn, I am definately having one of those Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon moments. I am getting TOO old for this ish.

I reluctantly left USA's Law and Order marathon to watch the Bet Awards. First and foremost, can they PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE hire quality audio engineers? Please? It seemed that the first hour I had my television volume all of the way up and it still sounded crappy.

Sister Raymonds performance (Usher) didn't help. Dude has lost his Razzle Dazzle. Stop with the formulaic routines- ie: The Chicks will LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this ish, and PERFORM, Please? He is becoming as predictable as a Beyonce booty shake (whom I am grateful that she sat out this year and didn't even show. Whoo! Love Beyonce, but I have seen WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much of her. Maybe she took my advice and took a Sade break)

Twenty two minutes into the show, I was ready to change the channel. But I wanted to see Quincy Jones and Al Green.

T-Pain's performance FINALLY put a little life into the show. I like dude and I like his hustle. He PERFORMED!

Alicia Keys irritated me. Why? Because she should have stepped back and let SWV, Envogue (COMPLETE WITH MY GIRL DAWN!!!!!!!!!!!) and TLC do their OWN little melodies. Sorry, that's just how I feel. The younger generation didn't get the FULL impact of how REAL PERFORMING IS DONE! Each one of those sets of Legends in the Making are beautiful, sexy and can hold a mic down without ONE COOCHIE POP.(If record execs are smart, and we know they aren't-they would clear budgets for these groups and let them learn the new generation how it's done.) You don't have Envogue on my television and not allow them to do their signature harmonizing. That is WRONG not to do so!

Neyo did the damned thing, even though I wish Michael Jackson would take notes and bring his ass back THE RIGHT WAY and let the new generation that Neyo, Chris Brown and Usher didn't create that sound nor those moves-show them why Mike is truly The Kang of Pop! Out of the three who performed, Neyo just came out and shut it Down!

Chris Browns set had me yawning. I loved the raindrop effect background, but simulated sex is sooooooooooooooo over. The best thing about his performance was when Ciara came out. The girl is Badddddddddd. Period. That back bend at the end KILLED IT!


Anthony Hamilton, Jill Scott and Maxwells tribute to Al Green was the Nirvana of the show! (Seriously, didn't you want to make cheese grits joke when you think of Al?)Al got up and showed out! I was ready to change the channel until I realized they didn't give Quincy his award as of yet.


Keisha Cole. sigh. I love the girls voice. I really do. She reminds me of a young Candy Staton. One day Keisha is going to bring the razzle dazzle. I am keeping hope Alive.

Rhianna, Beyonce wants her borrowed act back. Give it to her.


Though Weezy makes me itch-I can't take away from his performances. I was also surprised that he gave the most impacted speech of all last night when he accepted his award-We can't do Nothing without God in our lives. Truer words have never been spoken.

I am not being egotistical, but I KNOW I can put together a better show for the people than what I have been seeing these past five years. Test me and find out.

What's Old Stays OLD

I don't know why exes can't stay EXES. I mean, I am a good person and my Taurean loyalty will have me try to work on a relationship, friendship or family til I just give up and realize it is all for moot. Seriously. That has been the cause of so many of my heartaches, not knowing when to just cash in and walk away from dead ends.

Well I have been working on it. A lot of people are pissed about it, but oh well. I don't blame anyone because I ALLOWED it to happen. I don't even blame myself because that is just one of life's lessons when you stray from Gods protection and path. Real Talk.

I fight everyday with that spirit of Dinah. (read your bibles heathens) lol

Well, my CRACK has had the urge to all of a sudden try to contact me. (I call him that because for YEARS I was addicted to his tookus.) Last november I finally woke the hell up and say ENOUGH. When I said Enough I actually meant it. I went on to another jerk but thankfully I didn't have to learn the hard lesson-he did.

Dude has been messaging, texting and calling all day today. When will he learn that he is on ignore?

My late and favorite aunt (sigh, I miss her soooooooooooo much) use to sing this song by The Poets, She Blew a Good Thing, only she would change She to He. Whenever I heard her singing that song, that meant another divorce was on the horizon. lol I used to call her La Liz as in Liz Taylor because of her divorces. lol

Well, she passed that mantle to me. Whenever that song drops into my spirit (I like to think of her as my guardian angel that God uses) I know that SOMEONE is trying to tell my loyal stubborn ass something! Usually not too long after THE END actually comes. No lie, no exaggeration.

I often wonder if they realize that you are actually HAPPY and the devil lets them know that you are happy and BAM. But I usually know that when it doesn't bother me anymore, I am truly OVER it. I can't do that break up to make up dance.

Of course I will continue to ignore him. Why, cuz he DID blow a good thing. Me.

Gangsta Squirrel

Man, everytime I see or hear about a squirrel, mother and my sister come to mind. Apparently, they have gangster ones.

My mom (rest her soul) called me at work one day tickled. Gangsta squirrel 1 obviously tested his gangsta with the wrong person and they scalded his ass. He had a ring of pink around his neck and where there was no more fur. Gangsta Squirrel 1 saw my mother opening up windows and she jumped when that squirrel banged on the window and started cussin. (By this time I had my head with my hand over my mouth) Now I know that squirrel really didn't curse, but my mother was tickled at how mad he was. Like it was her who scalded his ass! What killed me was when she swore he was pointing to his neck and hitting the window like, "You see what they did to me?"

Then my nutty sister called me Sunday and there SHE Goes with Gangsta Squirrel 2. She said she was in the yard piddling around and tossing mothballs (which are supposed to keep the squirrels away) around her herbs. ( no she wasn't smoking thyme or parsely) She said she saw the squirrel and he came right up to her. (We call everything a He) She said she tossed a mothball at the squirrel and he picked it up and took a bite as if to say "What?"

Mannnnnnnnnnnnn, I am cracking up now laughing.,

Top 40 Hunching songs, Part I

Ok, I have a kindred spirit here on Myspace. I ventured over to her blog and man, she held it DOWNNNNNNNNN with her top forty love songs. I didn't want to hurt too bad so instead of the top 40 Get It Get It oooooooooooh Weeeeeeee songs-since we both are new to the age of 40 (get the theme?) I am going to take it back. Back to the 80's where big hair and fly girls ruled.

I loved to dance and I loved boys. But I was a TEASE in the worse way. My loves lasted about as long as my hubba bubba gum. When I think back, I laugh, smile and even let a pinch of melancholy come over me. Haven't seen the vast majority since the 80's-90's and those that I have seen later in life, I am glad that those weren't choices, just stopovers! lol So as I list my songs, I know I will chuckle because I am a mental jukebox.

I am talking about blue lights and an oatmeal box full of quarters at a house party. Brass Monkey on the sly and giving that cute dude blue balls because I was a "Good Girl" and like Janet said, "Let's wait a while." You and him in the corner "slow dragging or hunching."

I can list these songs because there was no ALL THE WAY. Just moments and times in a gals life.

40: Nobody does it better-Carly Simon -- Nuff, said.

39: Save a Prayer-Duran Duran--even though my head was on his shoulder, my heart and mind was dreaming of John Taylor the bassist for Duran Duran. Those fabulous videos helped to feed my imagination...

38: The Morning After- Alexander O'Neal- Ok, I was a freshman in college but I liked this dude and whenever we danced, he would have to song playing. Too bad he was as interesting as drying paint. I know he was trying to say something, but I wasn't listening! lol

37: Please Don't Go-Boys II Men---This was another one of his songs, I unfortunately have to associate him with this song. I can hear him caterwauling now. Yuck.

36: Tender Love-Force Md's---I had the worse crush oh Jesse McDaniel back then. Even though TC sang most of the leads-I picked ole Jessie.

35: Love Ballad-LTD---mannnnnnnnnnn, that was ma jammy jammmmmmmmmmm! I had a five minute crush on this dude name Santo and I danced with him to this song. My crush lasted exactly one song, he had THE HANDS and I wasn't having it!

34:Make it last forever-Keith Sweat---Man oh man. Yum Yum...

33: Do me baby-M'elissa Morgan---You haven't lived until you had a dude sing this in yo ear off key and you leave him witha nice set of blue balls.

32: Still in love with you-New Edition---I waited until my thirties to let this song get ruined for me, but I still love this tune

33: I'd Die without you-Pm Dawn---another minute and a half crush. Man, once they open their mouth or start with THE HANDS-I was OUTTA THERE!

32:Sensitivity-Ralph Tresvant---I swore if one more dude sang that song to me that they was going to get cut STAT! Mofo's behaving like dogs and acting like they were SENSITIVE. Miss me with that b.s.

31:As we lay-Shirley Murdock--The cheating song is NEVER a good song to sing in someones ear when you are trying to impress them. Yuck

30: I'm all out of love-Air Supply-Mannnnnnnnnn, first real boyfriend. I'm lying alone with my head on the phone, thinking about you to till it hurts...Actually, on the phone til my mother ran me off of the phone, then chastising me for "running up her bill." lol

29: The First Time-Surface---said boyfriend made a cassette tape for me and guess what was the first song? Unlike him, I still have the tape.

28: Stay the Night-Benjamin Orr---If you don't have this song, you don't have NOTHING. GO GET IT NOWWWWWWWWWWW!

27: Suddenly-Billy Ocean---I loved this song. Too bad I didn't love the guy I was dating at the time.

26:The Flame-Cheap Trick--I promised a dude this song and at the time I really meant the words, but I am a fickle chick. I want to give myself some credit, I think I kept that crush for at least a week afterwards, I believe.

25: Don't Walk Away-Rick Springfield---I dragged the bf to see Hard to Hold. It was hard for him literally to watch me get excited over Rick and in his pants and I wasn't having it.

24: I won't hold you back-Toto---Once upon a time, there was a guy and I danced the night away with him and he gave me a great kiss to this song. I didn't give him my number. I knew he would make me struggle. lol

23:Two Occasions-The Deele---cuz everytime I close my eyes, I think offffffffff himmmmmmmm...

22: Love me-Tracey Spencer-Palladium, NYC. Yes sirrrrrrr. Nothing like underaged drinking and hunching with a cutie pie.

21: All I do is think of you-Troop---H.M. You are probably old and fat and bald now. Let it be true...

20:You don't have to cry-Rene and Angela---Yes, I do, and I did.

My online life

My online life

In the early 90's when my former bffl(best friend for life) sold me her Commodore64c-I never thought nor could imagine how my life would transform itself.

I knew NOTHING about how to use a computer. My second hand puter came with lots of wires a monitor, and was heavy as hell. I can remember the excitement of riding with my pastor and his wife to go pick it up.

I didn't know computers had so many wires and such to hook it up. I paid $600 bucks(she gangted me, I know) and I wanted in to the world she described to me. Talking to people from all around the world!

I had a pen pal who lived in Alice Springs, Australia. He and I had met on a NYC bus. He looked like the spitting image of Andy Gibb and we struck up a conversation. From there we just wrote to one another.

Back then there were no unlimited and free nights and weekends and the thought of owning a cellphone was just a dream. But we stayed in touch for years just writing our thoughts with pen to paper.

I somehow learned how to set that computer up. When I hit the power button-my world forever changed.

I had this wilderness game(If I could find the online version I would be eternally happy)and you had to think about your next mood. All of the choices were in multiple choice form and whatever you decided would either advance you, have the indians capture or kill you and whatnot.

I had fun for HOURS with that game. Then my former bffl asked me if I had tried going online yet. I saw that Prodigy diskette-but shoo, I thought it was just another game.

I stuck that diskette in and twenty minutes later I was online with people! I didn't like it. Plus, it was $4.99 an hr! Back then I preferred to pass my boring hours at work talking and laughing on the Party Lines. At least they people were more real to me as opposed to reading and waiting for people to reply.

In 1996, I finally realised that my computer was booty. I purchased a pc with a little fifteen inch monitor. AOL had UNLIMITED internet access for just $9.99! I could "surf" the internet as much as I wanted and there more places to visit online!

AOL had a chat, but I wasn't partial to typing to white people. Not being racist, but I wanted to communicate with black folk. There were so few of us online at that time that you quickly learned who were the sistahs and brothas.

I watched the black sites open and shutdown. I moved along the messageboards with the cyber associates I had bonded with.

We had offline Meet and Greets. Folks from all over when they came into town, you hooked them up and vice versa. Hooking someone didn't entail SEX. It was showing them your town. If you "hooked up" in a sexual manner that was something entirely different.

Then the costs of the computers began to fall. Rent A Center was renting computers to anyone who wanted one.

A different eliment started logging on. The good people started backing off and away from online. The criminals, drama queens and kings began their irreversable reign.

Now anyone and everyone comes online.

I can honestly say that I haven't had any personal horror stories, but I witnessed plenty. Folks faking their deaths, childrens deaths, pregnancies. I had read about people who were murdered in real life and or raped. I have seen the marriages disovle over cyber cheating and real life sexing.

I have personally had guys try to play on my weaknesses. But I thank God for my parents and A Current Affair, Hard Copy and other news magazines for alerting me about what to look out for and how to use COMMON SENSE 101.

Oh, the playas live online and they count on you falling for them. I am too paranoid of thinking about the idea of meeting the black version of Jeffery Dahmer or Ted Bundy.

For the pat ten years, I have left the internet where it belongs-online. Yeah, these are the same people I pass everyday without one thought about what they do behind closed doors.

I have learned that if I don't email chain letters to at LEAST ten people that an alien monkeyshark will eat off my toe next to my pinky toe. People who send chain letters should be lined up and shot in the groin. Ever find yourself counting the amount of people you have in the address box to make sure you have your ten people covered? Ever have to forward a chain letter to twenty people and you realise that you don't have twenty saved addresses?

I have been waiting on the ever elusive Bill Gates to send me my check for forwarding my emails to twenty of my closest friends.

I have learned that coca cola can clean my toilet as well as eat away at my kidneys, so I am glad that I am Pepsi drinker. woooo hoooooooo

I am torn about eating mutant chickens from KFC, but I can't turn away from the original cooked chicken.

When I go out to have a drink or two, I cover my drink so that I won't wind up in Mexico as a sex slave because Iamamentalcase37's cousin baby daddy uncle moms cousin had it happen to her. If a guy approaches me, I instantly wonder if he is being nice to me just because he thinks my kidneys are sexy? If I turn my head will I wake up in a bathtub full of ice and a note?

The internet has also educated me. I am a good Christian woman. I don't buy from Proctor and Gamble nor Liz Claiborn because they went on Oprah and bragged about supporting the church of satan. Doesn't matter Oprah doesn't have any show to support this and has disclaimed it because four months down the line she will suddenly remember that show but is too afraid to air it again for fear on the evil one sucking the life out of her.

The call it the Worldwide Net, and they never lied. I am trapped in a world full of nutcases.

A lot of people don't know that Let's Go Crazy was originally Prince's version of a Christian song before he switched the lyrics.

Every year, as long as I can remember-on my birthday or a little after or before, my daddy would sit me down and ask me to sum up the year of my life. As I got older, it ANNOYED me because I never wanted to answer. Especially, in my teen years. I think that is why I never had a child. lol

Even before he asks me now, I sum up my year. I reflect on my positives and my failures. My heartaches and my Happiness. I can honestly admit that for the first time in my life-I am taking each day as the gift God has given to me to breathe breath.

I also think that I am maturing. (gasp!) Things that stressed me out before, I kind of shrug off and just give it to God. Before I turn it over to Him, I ask Him how can I do better, or what could I have done, or how should this be handled. To TEACH ME.

When I think about the people whom I have come across in this thing called Life, I chuckle at my choices. The things that I held dear and near to me and how a lot of the times they just went away for whatever reason. I realize my growth in these experiences.

Most of all, I observe other people. I am really good at reading past the exterior. (Except when it comes to those that I hold dear to my heart) As I grow older I see more and more sadness in people. We hold onto the things that aren't tangible or fulfilling in our spirits.

If we learned to let the b.s. go, then our lives will become more fulfilling. If we stop living in a private world of deception and envy-maybe those things that we hope to attain will draw near to us.

It sounds so simple-yet we fight against it every single day. We numb ourselves through drugs, alcohol, music, friends, lovers, family, associates and everything that takes us away from whom we really are inside.

I have also learned to filter what I allow people to say to me or about me. Now when my Hataz hate-I just pray for them. Obviously they need prayer because I am on their mind! lol Of all of the things that they could concentrate on in this world, ie: Darfur, China, the upcoming elections, world hunger, high assed gas and food, cures for diseases-they choose me! lol I say let them have fun.

Life is wayyy to short to be worrying about insignificant things. I can't see how folks waste their time worrying about other peoples lives. lol

Happiness and contentment begins within FIRST. You cannot draw positive to your life if you are living negatively. The two can't reside in the same life.

So now when my daddy asks me about my year, I just tell him that I am not the same person I was a year ago and hopefully I will be even better during my new year.

I look in my own eyes and I am starting to see life in them. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Totally excited about my trip Wednesday

I have never and most likely would NEVER work for Amtrak. I don't like the public that much. lol

But I DO love riding the train! It is my dream one day to ride across the country from sea to shining sea and back via the train before I die.

There is something about knowing that I am about to travel on the train that psyches me up! I stay up all night packing and all of those last minute checks and triple checks. Putting my ice packs in the freezer. Putting my cooler on the counter to remind me to put the ice packs in the cooler. Packing my lunch in the cooler. Putting the laptop in the case and all of my dvd's and the such to entertain myself.

Looking at Big Bertie (my suitcase) and admiring the lightness of pulling it knowing that on my return-it will be packed to the brim! lol

My ticket has been in my laptop case since I purchased it-yet I will check four more times before the taxi brings me to the station.

Then there is the waiting. The watching of the clock in the station, the looking at my watch while my eyelids are drooping from exhaustion. About a half hour before the train arrives, I go up to the platform and smoke all that I can because my next smoke break won't be until I get to Washington.

Then comes the moment that the horn I hear is the one I have been waiting for-my train!

I am lucky, the train usually is pretty empty and I always look for the front seats so I can stretch my legs. I spread my activity center on the seat next to me and then I watch the rails until about Philly and doze off.

I love to get off at the smoke break in D.C. and watch them change the engine from electric to diesel. It is amazing at the ability God has given to man to do such things!

My next smoke break is Richmond and by that time, I am usually fully up by then. I will doze off and on until my final destination of Fayetteville.

The one thing that I think about when I am riding are the slaves. How they WALKED to freedom and it wasn't just a ten-twelve hour walk (Amtrak is ALWAYS LATE). How determination and danger pushed them to walk until they were safe. I often ask myself would I have had that kind of tenacity.

Unfortunately, that isn't the ending riding for me, cuz from there I have another two hours to ride! lol

But all in all-I love it!

I have been forty for thirteen days now. Man, it's surreal! I haven't grown up yet! lol

I don't LOOK forty. I surely don't FEEL forty. But the number one thing I am blessed to be is FORTY. So many of my peers didn't even make it halfway to this age. One of my homies from High School was killed in a car accident in February of this year. Dude was one of the coolest people on this planet.

I am loving my new laptop. I being the Taurean woman that I am-I don't do well with huge changes! lol The keys are slightly transposed but hey-I am dealing with it. lol

I am loving the ability to be mobile now. I still have my old standby-it's raggedy old and clumpy but my gateway and I had rolled for almost ten years! Folks asked me How on Earth did my puter last that long! lol I tell them that just like with a raggedy car-you pray everytime you try to start it up that it will! lmaooooooooo

Now I can FINALLY start with this lifestyle eating change. I am wayyyyyyyyy too big now. I don't mind being big-but I need to lose about seventy pounds and I will be cool. Being six two makes it easy to get away with the extras-but this belly has GOTSTA GO. Yuck!

Want to shout out Rick of Mint Condition for supporting BigDaddiProductions and allowing me to post the new album info on the site! I support these guys because I love MUSIC. Not the pre-manufactured crap-I want to hear drums-not drum machines and you definately get that with The Mint. (I stand by my jammie jam-Forever in your eyes)

They don't make love songs like that anymore.

What is REALLY going on?

In the last month or so, every time I turn on the news-there is some natural disaster going on somewhere on this small planet of ours.

It is snowing in MAY no less, where it has never snowed before. Places where tornado's and hurricanes are extremely rare are almost a daily occurrence.

Our economy is collapsing on top of itself with no relief in site. I am NOT at all satisfied with any of the potential presidential candidates that I have to choose from. Obama umms too much when he has to talk on the fly-none of that eloquence I am used to hearing from him. Back at the Democratic National Convention in 2004, I vowed to vote for this dude if he EVER ran for the office of the presidency. But I expected him to run in 2012. He is holding his own right now, but l can't feel 100% confident behind him.

I signed up to volunteer for him A YEAR ago and let me tell you-the people that I have come across are all about standing behind status as opposed to standing behind the candidate and the real issues.

I am pissed off DAILY at Hillary. The flip flopping and lawyering and grasping at the non-sensical issues- ANNOY ME. The playing up to whatever the media has as the "issue of the moment" she jumps right on it. Bill isn't helping her cause either. The more he speaks the more I feel vindicated for not trusting his behind. In my mind, he isn't "America's First Black President" or honorary black man. He is a smart man who knows how to tread and charm. He makes Hillary look like she can't stand on her own. I have always admired Hillary- but lately she is losing ground with me.

John McCain isn't even an option. I am NOT voting Republican this election. I cannot and will not support a man who has a hot temper, whose wife won't reveal her taxes, a man who absoluely hasn't tried to embrace the black community nor support the MLK holiday. No thanks.

My vote IS going to come down to Obama and Clinton. I need to see some REAL action and hear Real Solutions as how this country is going to start to heal-and BRING JOBS BACK TO THE USA!!

So, as I watch catastrophes on the television, I find myself praying harder and more real than I have ever done so before.

For the first time in my life, I am honestly frightened. For the first time as an American, I can no longer look away and keep up false hope that things are going to get better. I see more unemployment, more foreclosures, Walmart and Costco are rationing food-man this isn't The Great Depression! People are not taking medication because they have to choose between life and homelessness! Gas is four bucks a gallon!

Yes, I am praying much harder.

I read the nicest profile today

Ok, so I won't nitpick the few typos-but I have to comment on it.

Seriously, I've read a whole lot of profiles online andvery few actually grab my attention. It wasn't the photos or the design. It was the simplicity of the content. It wasn't pretentious or full of "game"-just real.

Why can't more people just be seriously REAL about themselves? I will be the first to tell you that I am not a supermodel, I am not an internet millionairess (though I am destined to be one in real life ) nor do I have it all together.

Daily, I find myself repenting and asking God to don't give up on me just yet! HE answers me by allowing my eyes to open and the ability to put my left and right leg on the floor to stand and walk and begin my day.

It's funny when you talk about God folks automatically associate it with RELIGION. God doesn't deal in religion. It was religion that nailed Jesus to the cross.

I refuse to label myself except for that I am a follower of Christs teachings. In layman's terms-I strive to be Christ like.

I was impressed because I know what that person was saying. It didn't brag nor did it go for the sob route. I loved it!

Today is Mothers Day. Sigh. I miss my mother soooooooooooo much. But God doesn't make mistakes...

Turning Forty and Feeling Old Maidish-Finally!!

On Friday May 2nd, I turned forty years old! Yayyyyyyyyyyy-I think. I am honestly feeling like an old maid.

Back in college, all I could think about was taking over the world and making my mark.

I was very careful about dating and I had it all planned that I would definitely be married by the age of 30 and every three years (at LEAST TWICE)after that, punch out a couple of kids. Of course I had their names all set out.

I retired my rock n roll lifestyle and joined corporate america. I succeeded as an accountant and lived comfortably.

In the period between twenty two and twenty nine I dated a pathological liar- starved myself to please him (which was all for moot and he wasn't happy) , an assistant d.a. -he was a pervert, and a dude whose occupation may or may not have been legal(I know parts of it WAS LEGAL, but I really never delved into it too much). It was HE whom I actually fell in love with. We were "the perfect couple" and I was close to my goal! Yessssssssssss! (Ok, so what I was thirty, but I was getting there) The year 2000 was coming fast and I wanted a millennium wedding. All was well until the blueblackbastardfromthepitofhell cheated on me in December.

I was insulted because my grandmother had passed the month before and while I was out of state to bury her-he was sleeping with another chick. I am no chickenhead-I dumped his ass STAT!

I made his favorite dinner and had a huge bottle of Hennessey on the table. (He later told a mutual friend he should have KNOWN something was up because I don't buy liquor and I cooked without his asking.) I looked at my beloved and chit chatted for a while and asked him who was she. He looked at me like I had asked him to have a vasectomy. I repeated my question and he then knew I was serious. I wasn't the jealous type. At all. He knew it and he also knew that he couldn't lie to me. I can ever remember a time during all of the years we were together that he lied to me.

But he had cheated me and in a moment I felt overwhelmed by hurt and deception. I went in the kitchen and pulled out my butcher knife and as I approached him-he jumped out of the window.

I didn't care. I sat at my dining room table and just cried. I cried for my grandmother and I cried because I wasn't going to get married. How could I marry someone that I couldn't trust? The kicker was that HE was the jealous one in the relationship.

I eventually moved on and dated and dated throughout my thirties. Not one committed relationship. A couple of false starts and almosts but for the most part-if they got on my nerves-I bounced.

I took this test and Rocked it!

All in one entertainment

I have a dream of bringing all elements of the arts together in a community type setting where the audience gets to vote on what they like vs what they don't. Also I want this to be informative as well as fun !

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Living GREEN and Organic For You and your Baby

Cloth diapers or disposables? Regular baby food or organic? These issues probably run through your mind often as you prepare to bring your new baby into the world.

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Mylie Cyrus

I cannot believe the hoopla behind her Vanity Fair photo shoot. In my own little humble opinion-it is the LEAST sexually provactive photos that I have seen in eons. When I think of Britney, Christina, Ashley and even Vanessa-egads, it wasn't so bad! lol