Dear Mother

I want you to know that I am finally accepting that you and God made a decision to go to Him. The Christian in me knows that He doesn't make mistakes but the human side of me was and just a little bit still mad and selfish that you left me.

I can remember all of my activities and how you would sacrifice so I could play in the school band or hunting a red skirt and white blouse in the dead of winter so I could perform. I didn't know until years later that you used money that you had set aside for yourself to buy clothes just for me and my sister. How I needed to make a chocolate mousse for French class and we got up and made it together. How we went leaf hunting and you ironing the leaves perfectly straight between wax paper. Half of my A's you were responsible and the other half I credit Daddy.

I thank you for allowing my phases: blue hair, black and blonde hair, plastering heavy metal artists all over my wall and forgiving me for trying to get a tattoo in the kitchen.

I miss your wake up calls to make sure I am up to go to work. I miss you calling me all times a night to tell me the order numbers on QVC and Hsn. I miss painting with you. I miss you waking me up before God and nem just to talk and make nana puddin-and you knew how much I DESPISED nana pudding. There I would be stirring that dang custard with sleep in my eyes and you sitting at the kitchen table saying, "Don't forget to stir the custard."

I play monopoly online now. Everytime I see the iron token, I get mad cuz you always beat me with that iron. You were the only one who could beat me in Monopoly, Scrabble and our favorite-YATZEE!

I remember when I had my reconstructive surgery, waking up and choking and you lifted my head. You even made me smile because the first surgery had me one door from pediatrics and because of low beds I was now actually in the pediatric unit. lol I remember before the nurse made you leave, you putting my lil white bear in my arms for me because I couldn't lift my arms. I made the nurses put it back exactly like you had it when they would come in.


We still have the New Years Day videos where you and I would have just a pinch too much champagne and we both would start crying and atoning for the previous years fussing. lol Five minutes later, we would be off to the races with brand new fussing. lol

Welp, another Mother's Day is coming up. It is strange not having a nervous breakdown to find THE PERFECT GIFT for the woman who had EVERYTHING ALREADY. Funny how you would torture me even further by NOT giving Qvc and Hsn item numbers as hints around that time. So I would have pour over the stores sweating and panting and mean mugging folks who dared to touch a Possible gift item I was reaching for.

I don't know why I stressed so much because whether it was a raggedy ashtray I made wif my own wittle hands or some gift I purchased, I always got your glow and love with anything I gave you.

How ironic, that you died on the very holiday you loved soooooooooo much. New Years Day hasn't been the same.

I used to cry bitter tears, but now I just feel a little sad, but the hurt is dulling to a tolerable pain now.

In closing,I thank God for giving me you for a Mom.

Living in Misery/ Negative Soul Suckers

One of my nearest and dearest friends taught me about living in misery. She doesn't WANT nor WILL live in the positive moments of life. I acknowledge that her "issues" are deeper than what my limited mind can deal or handle but I stand by her. Why, I just believe that one day she will snap out of it.

One thing I CAN say about her is that she DOES HAVE GOOD DAYS.

I am on the net and I cannot believe the amount of negativity that flows from folks fingertips on a DAILY BASIS. No matter where I am surfing, I see folks just COMPLAINING and whining about the same ole same ole. Once you get to know their fonts-you begin to see that they are living on pity and misery that they don't want to get out of. Why? Because, then no one will pity them.

Sunrises, and sunsets are WONDERFUL. Just taking a taken for granted breath is a blessing. Yes, life throws darts and some seem very difficult to dart away from. But if you just concentrate on the simple things like; dressing yourself, and going to the bathroom on your own accord, having a job to go to, and a roof over your head-makes life all worth it.

It reminds me of the old saying about the woman who complained because she had no new shoes but then saw a woman who had no feet to use.

Start counting your blessings people!

I have been trying over and over since the November 4. 2008 to really EXPRESS my awe and reverence to how I have been feeling over the past two years. How to put into words that evening and todays swearing in.

I have deleted EVERYTHING I have written because-it just doesn't capture those moments nor my deepest emotions.

As smart as I am, as lucky as folks tell me how I am-nothing seems to be HUMBLE enough.

I can truly see my mother grinning over the IDEA of an Obama. She and I are so much alike. Jessie Jackson, though I appreciate and will NEVER be what Obama has presented himself as: A man of the people WITH accountability and solutions no matter what.

YES, we DID!!!!

There are soooooooo many private trials and tribulations I can write about the last eight years. 9/11, the passing of my beloved mother, the struggles of establishing my business, my weight gain and a HOST of other most private things.

But anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to wallow in self pity or regrets or failure. When all have given up on me or sat on the sidelines waiting for me to kill myself, go completely nutz or just plain ole give in-they forgot-I am a Taurus Woman. Stubborn to the core. Failure is NEVER an option and I am far too young to lay down and die.

What I WILL write about is blind faith. That kind of faith that when even the closest to you want to tell you to just give up and settle you remember whom you really serve! I am far from a religious person. Many folks have been hurt by "religion" but FAITH will carry you when you don't even see how.

From the womb I have had to fight. Fight to live. To be. My mother had really bad toxemia with me and my birth had to be stalled for an extra month. So I am a ten month baby. She used to joke that during her final labor she was like Bob Barker; "Pleaseeeeeee come on down"-yet I would scoot back up inside of her when the doctors touched me. I was breeched and the doctor turned me and yet, I would not make my appearance into this world until I WAS READY.lol

My infant pictures have the the forceps imprints on my face until I was almost six months. and I was always taller than my peers. When I was nine months the doctors said my intestines were twisted and EIGHT doctors told my mother that I would need surgery. It was one nurse from my mothers hometown who told her that God said,"Don't let those doctors cut your baby."

I grew up loving rock and roll and being "different" from what folks believed I should be. I can remember when my childhood friend got into a horrendous car accident that rendered her paralyzed and mentally incapacitated. When they wheeled her to school, I was the only one who ran up to her and cried when she couldn't speak to me. I can still see her dribbling saltine crackers that I fed her because I knew she liked saltines as much as I did. I can remember my grandmother and mother trying to explain to me why my friend was like she was. I also remember the day she passed. I often think about her.

It is that determination and love of people that I have carried within me to this day. I am not the easiest person to get along with because I don't accept "can't". Either you tried and failed or you tried and became victorious with God's help.

It is that determination that led me to Reading, Pa to stump for Barack Obama. Far away from my comfort zone and all reasonable explanation to my friends and family. Just up jumped and boogied to a place I knew NOTHING of. Where I met some incredible people. some I am still in contact with and some I know I will never see or speak to again-but yet bonded at that time and moment.

Barack won. Yay. Yippee. Now the real work has to begin. Within US. ESPECIALLY us black folk. The excuses are OVER. The true legacy of Barack's presidency is how we as a people take up his mantle and run with it.

Demand that respect from others-yes-BUT demand that respect within our own selves FIRST. The time for selfishness has got to be over in our community.

Cleaning the lists in my life

There are days where I can just let things go and then there are days where I stop it right at the quick. It is very hard to try to walk right. It really is when everyone around you is walking wrong.

Then there are the quiet moments when a rank stranger sends you a note and it reminds you that your walk isn't alone and how being just YOU helps inspire others.

In this everyday hustle of life, I try to keep on the straight and narrow. I don't walk on water, so there are mistakes and lifes learning lessons along the way.

One of the biggest lessons that I learned at the Obama campaign is nipping things in the bud immediately. I need to stop internalizing things that reallllllly annoy me and when folks try to take advantage of me or take my kindness for weakness to let them not it isn't happening.

I can fight for my friends and family but have a hard time fighting for myself. I am also a slow learner in life. Studious things I catch on quickly but basic life lessons I am very slow. I don't like confrontations. lol

I was reading Sistar Jackies blog and you know what? My delete button works as well! lol I have been cleaning up all of my lists. Brushing the haters off. With love not animosity.

I will NEVER allow anyone to change me from being me because I love Me. But if you decide you don't -I wish you luck.

Like Sistar Jackie said, "Life is too short to worry about haters! " lol

It's funny. Those who try to backbite never realize how I pray for their sucess and lives. Just because I don't announce it in neon letters or from a megaphone, doesn't mean I don't call out their names in my prayers.

How I worry that they are eating and sleeping right. How whatever private things they are going through that God gives them favor.

I do it because that is who I am. I don't need accolades and rewards and pats on the back. Like everything in life, I do it because it needs to be done. Period.

But I have to take that same tenacity and turn it towards ME. I haven't been treating ME too well. I am looking at that woman in the mirror and I am making (not gonna)that change.

My days of being a doormat is OVER. You all are on notice!

To my 30, 40 and up somethings

Aren't you glad you didn't go through your youth in the cyber age? lol I cannot fathom going through high school, college and my twenties online. lol

The closest thing to today was "hitting someone up on their beeper" lol and even THAT annoyed me! Memba #911? lol

We had video cameras and yeah, some folks were wicked with them-but you didn't have what the young folks have today. Todays sins is Todays Youtube. lol

Just think in your private thoughts, some of the "fun" you had back in the day. Can you imagine that two faced jealous heffa posting it for the world to see? We laugh about sex tapes, but can you imagine folks videoing you without your knowledge and creating a website about you?

One of the things I think about our age group that is blatantly different is the fact that we actually had the human touch. We left our homes and hung out with our friends. We got to know people on a personal not technological level.

Whether it was raising and lowering the shade in your bedroom window to signal that you were ready to hang out, or just knowing that you would be going somewhere on the weekends helped that bond.

Our generation was the last of the human touch generation. Times are a changing and it is not for the better.

The Media and this Election is PISSING ME OFF!!!

I am tired of turning on my television and seeing kindergarten antics being performed by so called journalists and people who are wanting MY VOTE!

It is times like this that I miss my beloved Peter Jennings and Tim Russert. I cannot fathom them entertaining this kind of non-sense. WHEN ARE THE REAL ISSUES going to come into play?

Unemployment is up by 6% and folks are wondering about a pitbull in a skirt? People are becoming HOMELESS and are STARVING right here in the United States and yet I have to listen to three days of lipstick on a pig?

This country is on the verge of a depression and the pundits are waving over everything but what really matters.

Why not discuss why in 2008 folks are willing to die before electing a black man to office?

John McCain is 72 years old. How can he and his camp try to attack Obama for a lipstick on a pig remark when on MY BIRTHDAY MAY 2ND of this year he used the VERY SAME quote in reference to Hillary Clinton!

I need for Obama to stop being MELLOW and really take these next fifty six days and HAMMER THE ISSUES back to the forefront of this election! His people need to be doing research and bringing forth what has been done these past eight years and call folks on the inconsistencies.

Sarah Palin was brought in a plug on a huge gash of a sinking ship. She isn't representing the best of what the United States is. I am tired of the bull-bring it back to where it ACTUALLY COUNTS because after November 4th I would like to open my eyes and knowing that I can actually go to a decent doctor because the quality and funding is there! I want healthcare that I can afford!

Because milk and gas cost the same, I don't want to choose which is more important.

I want both campaigns to bury the word CHANGE and I want to SEE CHANGE!

Rare private thoughts....

All of my life, folks have said to me: You are too real. For a period of time I then became a pathological liar because when I told the truth-no one one believed me. When I joined the church (my ninety ninth time trying to seek Gods people) I got something from God that I never received before: "You don't have to lie or be something you aren't just to please folk. You will NEVER ever please folk. Be it family, friends, or foes."

Now, before folks run to call the men in the white jackets-I swear I heard that voice in my head. I have head from that voice Many times. Sometimes I listen, Sometimes I don't. When I listen, I learn that there is a blessing in a lesson for me. When I don't, I have to go through whatever trial my disobedience has brought to me.

I have also learned that people really aren't interested in TRUTH or Realism. Because lies make them feel so much better. Whether a weave, penile implant or your run of the mill lie-they would rather live in that than truth.

I remember the day I stopped lying. I called my mother and had a rare one on one with her where she actually allow me to speak. I told my mom that I will not lie anymore because God's Word said, "That everything will fail and fall but His Word."

Another person who stopped me and my bad habit was my grrandmother. She used to say a liar is a thief and and thief is a murderer and it was both who put Christ on the cross.

She was concerned if I was drinking that special Kool Aide in my new church, and I assured her that I wasn't. Once we got past that, she listened to me. I know before she left this plane she finally understood why I think and act the way I do.

I can remember attending my very first concert. Kool and the Gang. Teena Marie and Jessie Johnson were also there. I was hanging with my Aunt and Cousin. Don't ask me why, but I went forward and the guards just let me backstage.

I didn't have to do anything trifling to go back there. All I did was WALK. Teena Marie had passed out after her set and I was concerned. I walked backstage and she was sitting on a trunk. I went right up to her and asked her if she was allright. She looked at me and saw my sincerity and we started talking. Next thing I knew various members of Kool and the Gang were coming up to me and inviting me to a party. I told them I had to ask my Aunt if I could go. lol

I went back to my seat and told my Aunt and Cousin that Kool and the Gang wanted to ask them something. lol Hell, I was fifteen. I had no authority. lol

My Aunt told them No, and I had an attitude. I wanted to go to the damned party! Noooooooooo, she told them she had to WORK the next day! lol

That is how my life has been. Trusting and a chance taker. I have been in three videos-not featured gals, but I was there! lol I went to a Motley Crue concert, next thing I knew I was in VIP (true VIP) with Slash and Steven Sweet.

Got an internship just cuz I was taliking to Greg Steele of Faster Pussycat about a Long Island teen serial killer. Greg still owes me ten bucks. lol

But life has been an adventure for me. I have never asked anyone for a handout. Ever.

I know so many folk that it would blow some of you alls mind. My sister can attest to this fact! lol But I have never kissed anyones ass EVER. I don't care who you THINK you are-you will RESPECT ME.

Maybe that's why I am slowly living out my dream of promoting people I believe in.

The lil liar changed her ways and became a Woman.

My sister who is younger than I am but thinks she is older inspiers me everyday. Though, I don't tell her all of the time cuz she's a Scorpio and yall know how they are-j/k. lol

She doesn't like me getting hurt and she has seen me hurt. She says I am too trusting-and I am too trusting.

I guess that is why I am so private in my thoughts and actions. Failing doesn't frighten me. It just makes me try again or learn what to give up on or do differernt.

I don't seek fame or fortune. I honestly don't. They say when a loved one passes that God gives us a lesson. My mother used to always sing this song; "Let the life I lead speak for me." I never truly understood that song until I heard some stranger sing it at her funeral.

It was powerful and painful at the same time. I cried not because I was hurt about losing my mom, of course I was-but it seems when God's spirit touches me-I cry.The folks in my church used to call me "The Weeping Prophetess." I could honestly feel the words in that song.

God allowed me to live past tumors in my breast and a double partial mastectomy at the age of 23 to see 40. I haven't always walked a perfect nor righteous life-but God knows my heart. My sincerity of seeking His Face.

Nothing I have done or have experienced has blessed me as much as sitting and laughing with my lil sis and my father this past weekend. I am rich to have them in my life.

No fame, or amount of paper can beat that in my book.

If God closed my eyes tonight forever, I can truly say to the world-NOTHING and I mean Nothing means more to me than my family, and I hope like my mom or even better than my mom-that the life I lead will speak for Me.

I aint trying to go nowhere no time soon-lol-but I have to let folks know that if God can carry me and reform me, Nothing is impossible for Him to do for YOU.

It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything in acknowledging that there is something higher than Us and why we should be respectful and honest to one another.

Have I arrived? Nope. Still trying to find that bible based Church Home...aint it a blessing that God is so patient with us?

R.I.P. Bernie "Mac Man" Mac

You know, there are some celebrity deaths that you go awwwwww. Then there are the ones who REALLY hit you HARD like a death in the family. The last time I felt this way was when Ray Charles passed.

My pain is NOTHING like the pain that his family is going through right now. I only knew OF Bernie Mac, they loved and lived with him.

I met the Mac Man wayyyyyyyyy back in the early Def Jam days. He was a naturally funny kind person.

In this business of fake folk-it was nice sitting and talking with someone who reminded you of your funny uncle Bug. lol Where you are holding your sides and just gasping for breath because what they are saying is TRUE but the delivery is just too funny. lol

I won't cry, but my heart is a little sad today. I will choose to do what I have been doing all day off an on. Remembering those one liners and laughing at his timeless jokes.

It's is OK to be YOU

I have been online a number of years and I have seen a lot. The one thing that sticks out to me is the sadness I see in womens writings, pictures and posts.

Seems like women are doing and advertising ANYTHING in hopes to gain attention. The funny thing is, that even the men try to tell the women that all of that extra stuff isn't necessary.

I have never seen so many bi-sexual, tri-sexual, super freaks of the weeks and women wonder why they continue to be single and lonely.

False advertising is the number complaint men have about us gals.

I will be discussing that and more and hopefully it will reach at least ONE person and turn her life around.

It is open for full discussion, questions and debates even. As long as it is done in love, everyone will be able to express ones self here.

Learn to love You First
Men don't do you more than what you ALLOW. That is the bald faced truth.

You see the signs, yet you pretend that you don't. Albert Einstein defines insanity as the act of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I agree with Al.

You cannot be afraid to be alone. You really can't. You need to get to know you long before the Cosmo magazine and Vogue fashions of the moment. You need to get to know you before dating.

If you can't stand to be with YOU, how on Earth can you expect someone else to put up with you?

You say how or it's too hard. No it really isn't. Raw truth? If you have never put forth the effort, how do you know if it works or fail?

When is the last time you took yourself to dinner? How about a movie or lunch? By yourself?

Many of you will say never. You have always used a crutch to go out.

What if someone saw you by yourself-gasp! Get over yourself.

You see if you treat yourself, you will never allow anyone to treat you LESS than how you treat yourself.

Learn how to step out and do things for yourself by yourself and you will draw like minded individuals to you. It works, I promise. You can't do it under the guise of I am going out by myself to meet someone while pretending to get to know myself-that is lying to yourself. You have done it long enough without great results so why continue?

There isn't a woman on this planet who doesn't find flaws within herself. Too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, nose too wide, nose too thin, etc.

You are whom you are and no amount of plastic surgery is going to change that.

One of the biggest misconception is that women get plastic surgery to attract the opposite sex. That is a lie.

Just like fashion, plastic surgery is to make other women jealous. The extra benefit is drawing men to you-it is really to be competitive with other women. To have another woman look at you like you look at other women in envy.

As with all other shallow things, they are only temporal. It is designed that way.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with make up and fashion. When you feel good about the way you look, you carry yourself differently. But you can't just lean on looks.

This weekend, take some time for yourself with just yourself. Even if you just take two hours just to take in a movie. Make that your quality time.

Fix yourself just as cute and sexy as if you would for a date. Don't be afraid, the only person who will be concerned about you being alone is you.

One of the things I love to do regardless if involved or single-I love cafes. I will take myself to a cafe and order a nice brunch then go to a museum. I take my time and I just ENJOY that moment.

Doing that taught me how to teach my mate how to enjoy that moment with me.