Rare private thoughts....

All of my life, folks have said to me: You are too real. For a period of time I then became a pathological liar because when I told the truth-no one one believed me. When I joined the church (my ninety ninth time trying to seek Gods people) I got something from God that I never received before: "You don't have to lie or be something you aren't just to please folk. You will NEVER ever please folk. Be it family, friends, or foes."

Now, before folks run to call the men in the white jackets-I swear I heard that voice in my head. I have head from that voice Many times. Sometimes I listen, Sometimes I don't. When I listen, I learn that there is a blessing in a lesson for me. When I don't, I have to go through whatever trial my disobedience has brought to me.

I have also learned that people really aren't interested in TRUTH or Realism. Because lies make them feel so much better. Whether a weave, penile implant or your run of the mill lie-they would rather live in that than truth.

I remember the day I stopped lying. I called my mother and had a rare one on one with her where she actually allow me to speak. I told my mom that I will not lie anymore because God's Word said, "That everything will fail and fall but His Word."

Another person who stopped me and my bad habit was my grrandmother. She used to say a liar is a thief and and thief is a murderer and it was both who put Christ on the cross.

She was concerned if I was drinking that special Kool Aide in my new church, and I assured her that I wasn't. Once we got past that, she listened to me. I know before she left this plane she finally understood why I think and act the way I do.

I can remember attending my very first concert. Kool and the Gang. Teena Marie and Jessie Johnson were also there. I was hanging with my Aunt and Cousin. Don't ask me why, but I went forward and the guards just let me backstage.

I didn't have to do anything trifling to go back there. All I did was WALK. Teena Marie had passed out after her set and I was concerned. I walked backstage and she was sitting on a trunk. I went right up to her and asked her if she was allright. She looked at me and saw my sincerity and we started talking. Next thing I knew various members of Kool and the Gang were coming up to me and inviting me to a party. I told them I had to ask my Aunt if I could go. lol

I went back to my seat and told my Aunt and Cousin that Kool and the Gang wanted to ask them something. lol Hell, I was fifteen. I had no authority. lol

My Aunt told them No, and I had an attitude. I wanted to go to the damned party! Noooooooooo, she told them she had to WORK the next day! lol

That is how my life has been. Trusting and a chance taker. I have been in three videos-not featured gals, but I was there! lol I went to a Motley Crue concert, next thing I knew I was in VIP (true VIP) with Slash and Steven Sweet.

Got an internship just cuz I was taliking to Greg Steele of Faster Pussycat about a Long Island teen serial killer. Greg still owes me ten bucks. lol

But life has been an adventure for me. I have never asked anyone for a handout. Ever.

I know so many folk that it would blow some of you alls mind. My sister can attest to this fact! lol But I have never kissed anyones ass EVER. I don't care who you THINK you are-you will RESPECT ME.

Maybe that's why I am slowly living out my dream of promoting people I believe in.

The lil liar changed her ways and became a Woman.

My sister who is younger than I am but thinks she is older inspiers me everyday. Though, I don't tell her all of the time cuz she's a Scorpio and yall know how they are-j/k. lol

She doesn't like me getting hurt and she has seen me hurt. She says I am too trusting-and I am too trusting.

I guess that is why I am so private in my thoughts and actions. Failing doesn't frighten me. It just makes me try again or learn what to give up on or do differernt.

I don't seek fame or fortune. I honestly don't. They say when a loved one passes that God gives us a lesson. My mother used to always sing this song; "Let the life I lead speak for me." I never truly understood that song until I heard some stranger sing it at her funeral.

It was powerful and painful at the same time. I cried not because I was hurt about losing my mom, of course I was-but it seems when God's spirit touches me-I cry.The folks in my church used to call me "The Weeping Prophetess." I could honestly feel the words in that song.

God allowed me to live past tumors in my breast and a double partial mastectomy at the age of 23 to see 40. I haven't always walked a perfect nor righteous life-but God knows my heart. My sincerity of seeking His Face.

Nothing I have done or have experienced has blessed me as much as sitting and laughing with my lil sis and my father this past weekend. I am rich to have them in my life.

No fame, or amount of paper can beat that in my book.

If God closed my eyes tonight forever, I can truly say to the world-NOTHING and I mean Nothing means more to me than my family, and I hope like my mom or even better than my mom-that the life I lead will speak for Me.

I aint trying to go nowhere no time soon-lol-but I have to let folks know that if God can carry me and reform me, Nothing is impossible for Him to do for YOU.

It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything in acknowledging that there is something higher than Us and why we should be respectful and honest to one another.

Have I arrived? Nope. Still trying to find that bible based Church Home...aint it a blessing that God is so patient with us?