This is it-for Me

Michael Jackson is gone. Forever.

Just typing those words just stings really bad. Michael is gone from drugs. That is the unbearable truth. Like all of the greats that we have lost, we lost one of the brightest angels from drug use-the unnecessary and most preventable death. Whether it had been June 25th or December 1st, that dance would have taken him away eventually.

It is hard to explain as a 41 year old woman how someone you have never known but have grown up with death could affect you in one of the most personal ways. I can honestly remember saying everytime I hear Neyo sing-Gosh, I wish Mike would get himself together and shut these fools down and take his act back. lol

Michael Jackson borrowed from a lot of artist in his lifetime as well. Music, dance moves, verses-but he made them his own. He also worked hard on his craft to be the best that he could be.

I remember seeing Michael's press conference for the This Is It Tour. My first reaction was DAMN! I couldn't bear to see the once again drastic change in Michael. I asked to no one in my home-WHEN IS HE GOING TO STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS? Yet, when after the press conference the commentators began ridiculing Michael and dismissing him as if he were a nobody-I got angry at them.

That has been our dance in the black community with Michael Jackson for years. Worrying about his appearance but loving him unconditionally anyway and defending him to the tee if someone said anything about him.

We are a loving people who love to the point of enabling bad behaviors. We say, "Oh that's just so and so. He/She is just a little special, they'll get it right sooner or later. Just pray for em."

I am guilty of it and so many of us are guilty of it as well.

Even though Marlon was my favorite Jackson (and future husband cuz I said so) the love I had for Michael is legendary in my family. I have literally gotten my pimp slap hand perfected from fighting cousins, strengthened my vocal cords from arguing and protecting my Mike (and any other Jackson). The first time I papered my entire bedroom with posters-was with The Jackson 5/The Jacksons.

A Jackson album or 45 (old heads know what that is) didn't come out without my father bringing in the brown paper bag with it in it.

There hasn't been ONE party in my entire life that I have attended that several Jackson songs hasn't been played.

Back in the day they used put the single dance records on 12" extended mixes. Brown Juice would flow alongside the tata salad and chicken and folks would try to dance til the record was over! lol Of course us "young folk" would last, but you could bet my daddy and few others would hang in there right along with us. lol I can remember one party distinctly where I should my poor lil body "down to the ground" along to Shake your body down to the grounduntil I caught a sho nuff stitch in my side. lol I had to learn not to shake so hard.

Cynthia Horner kept me informed of all Jackson activities through Right On! magazine. I would proudly take my allowance money and buy my magazines and read them fifty eleven times until the next issue came out.

Sure, I wasn't dedicated to just Michael. Hell, Prince and his nassy self was out dancing in his panties while playing wicked guitar. Rick James old self flounced on stage with reefer in his lips tossing his braids. My other boyfriend Ronnie DeVoe and New Edition were doing the Jackson act-I was in lub. Foster Silvers left so he had to be replaced with a young boy with a grown mans voice-Johnny Gill.

But Michael was THE MAN. I saw his transitions. His cutest sexiest period for me is the Off the Wall years and in the Beat It video. Michael like so many brothas kept his curl way too long.

His skin lightened and I ignored it until the Bad album. But the music was banging and I shut my eyes to what I was seeing.

I didn't then and I still don't believe the child molestation charges. I have argued with many people in real life and on messageboards why I didn't believe them. It had nothing to do with being a "fan", it was all about the facts. I will say the second charges made me angry with Michael for not protecting himself BETTER from evil money hungry folks. So many needy children lost the opportunity to have met this man and had just a little happiness before their illnesses took them from this plane. All because a few folks tried to bring this man down.

Though I no longer want to spit in Martin Bashir's face-I would still love to have a talk with him. To ask some very pertinent questions about his motives then and his recantation after Michael died. The words he could have said back then that mean nothing now.

The Michael situation is why I wouldn't babysit or allow my godchildren to sleep over until they could bathe themselves. Just the accusation of improper behavior can ruin you for life. It doesn't matter if you are innocent-once accused-you wear that stripe for a lifetime.

Then Michael left us. He put out two more albums and I rocked with them. Then the new music stopped coming.

Folks were still writing garbage about Michael.
I then hadn't seen Michael until the press conference this year. My tears fell. This wasn't just a whiter version of Michael. He looked HORRIBLE. I will type these words again-Michael was HIGH. I know High when I see it. I have seen it all around me all of my life. All I could say is, " Michael Why?"

I was sad to learn that he wasn't going to tour here in the States. I was jealous but understood how the Europeans openly show him love and supported him. It made sense, but I was sad. In my mind I thought he would change his mind and come here. At LEAST to New York where we here in the Tri-State area have always shown him open love.

I can remember June 25th very well. Whoopi announced that Farrah Fawcett died on The View. I was saddened because I liked Farrah. We had lost David Carradine and Ed McMahon that week as well. My childhood favorites. NOTHING had prepared me for the breaking news on Twitter of all places that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital in full cardiac arrest. I saw in some places that he had passed. He was going to remain alive in my mind until CNN announced it. Then Wolf Blitzer announced it.

I went numb. Then that photo from Entertainment Tonight came out with Michael in the ambulance. I have since boycotted ET. I will do like I did with the NY Post when they showed Eric Claptons sons deady body uncovered from his fall from the window. Have purchased or read a Post SINCE.

They invaded this mans life and he couldn't even have privacy in his illness or death.

I cried at the memorial long hard tears. Real tears that contained pain. Unbelief. I cried for his children, his family. He was someones father, someones son and someones brother and uncle. He was human. He was the human that a vast majority of us never really saw.

I am thankful that the Jackson Family kept it as private as they could. Many people are upset about it-but it is THEIR RIGHT to see how THEIR family member is laid to rest.

Now the movie This Is It is out. I was going to go see it then I made up in my mind that I don't want to see it after the clips I saw online. I know Michael would have brought it like his has done so many times. I know that it is beautiful and moving. I know all of this and I haven't seen it.

I don't want to see it.

I choose to remember Michael the way I want to. The healthier looking Michael. That beautiful smile. Those soulful eyes.

My parties will be full of Jackson songs and I will still shake my body to the ground.